GOSH

You know the feeling you get, when you have resolved an issue, made a decision, a choice, a conclusion: the feeling of peace at last. I would really like to know why I am not feeling that right now. Maybe because choosing a path is only half the battle. Maybe it's knowing that now that I have made a choice I have to face up to it, live with it, see it through. Or more importantly, maybe it's the fear that every gambler feels because they know that there's a good chance that a risk wont pay off.

I want to say that I am 100% confident in my choice. I AM very happy with it though. I know it was the right step to take. I just hope that I can remember that when it matters. I keep telling myself, if its meant to be it will work out right and if it doesn't, then well, there's always home. I am more afraid now than I have ever been in my life and I hope that will be my motivation.

Now all I need to do is tell the people who matter; I just haven't figured out how...

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Side Bar

So a lot has been happening in life peoples but I'm not here to tell you about that....defeating the purpose of the blog I know. However I am here for my little nephew. He is ten years old and he made the awesome beats on my sidebar. From now on I'll be posting any beats he makes for me on here so you guys can enjoy it as much as i do :)

A New Resolution

Happy new year guyzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't know 'bout you but last year was pretty screwed up for me. I feel like I lived a mixed up life in the last quarter of the year as a direct reaction of all the mixed up things that happened to me before hand. So this year I am determined to be, happy no matter what...its only been six days but it hasn't been easy so far.

As has become customary in my family, every so often I discover some tasteless fact that shines some light on a lot of things about my past. They haven't disappointed. Though it isn't something I have discussed or plan to discuss with anyone soon, it is what it is and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Next is the sudden state of limbo I seem to have developed. I have always been indecisive and it seems it's about to have a great effect on my life...wish me luck.

Another thing is the fact that my heart needs to be bullet proof now apparently because people just love to walk all over it! ha-ha I don't even know what it is... I must just attract people who want me to hurt but...what's a girl to do? I don't even blame the guys any more. I quit thinking it's the guys I while back. I think, fundamentally I'm just a messed up person. period.

Finally is that I have decided to try my hardest to (call me crazy) get closer to God this year. If nothing else I need him in my life. He has never let me down before and I doubt he is 'bout to start now :) I hope not now.

So I realise I have been more than a little cryptic and vague in this blog but you're going to have to pardon me for that, because there is so much I want to say, and as much as I would LOVE to say it, I just cant.

Sigh and Sigh Again.

Yes I have been away too long. However I have come to realise a number of things in my time away.

1. God answers prayers. No doubt about it.
2. I have obsessed uncontrollably about my father this year, as illustrated by my 'expressionism' blog with the many 'daddy issues' poems.
3. I'm not as strong as used to be.
4. This year has been most difficult and I cannot wait for it too be over.
5. I scare way too easily.
6. And my temper has been....well it has been the temper of old, and that's not good, for anyone.

Now let me explain:

1 I realised this all over again yesterday when someone I had been worrying about since April suddenly re-appeared! Now I don't want to 'jinx' things (not that I'm the superstitious type) but hopefully she is here to stay this time.

2 All I can say is this year has been tough and it hasn't helped that I have spent so much time mourning someone who died 13 years ago! I love and miss my father; who wouldn't? And morbid as it may sound I was happy to find that I wasn't the only one.

3 I used to pride myself in my reputation as a strong minded person who can get through anything in one piece. I used to have faith! Now it seems I have spent most of my year being a blubbering, mess in private and in public. Seriously?

4 As I have alluded, this year has not been fun (generally speaking of course. It hasn't all been bad.) But I am hoping that things will get better, preferably soon.

5 I'm not just talking about spiders and heights-though those phobia's do pack a punch-I mean emotionally. I realised this year that I am a commitment-phobe! I mean I always thought I was all for love. And apparently loving isn't the issue. Its not running a mile as soon as I realise that I am in love, that's the problem.

6 Ah and the famous temper! I fear I am well on my way to losing many friends at this rate. I seem to be losing it with people on a regular basis! Luckily my flatmates have only had to deal with crying Amina not Angry Amina, not that i am proud of that. But it is what it is.

And while all this is happening I am left wondering...What do you do when you find some numbers on your phone but you don't remember who they belong to, especially when they are saved under such pseudonym's as sexy beast? And furthermore, what do you do when you fall?

disappear

well OK I know I said daily blog but I didn't say definitely. And yes i have been AWOL (MIA...whatever u chose to call it!) for a significant time now. i have missed u all :P and i have actually been a very very busy girl :D

firstly lectures have kicked in full force now. i am still doin journalism but i also had to pick another course for 40 extra credits. and like the fool that i am i picked English literature....dont get me wrong i love the idea behind the course; its the practice that's killing me! not only do i ave to purchase books at ridiculous prices, i also have to read them at a super human pace while simultaneously criticising them, analysing them, and writing about them! in journalism we tend to just have a hellish amount of notes A LOT of reading material and very little time.

TIME! it seems to be flying by here. i feel like i waste my days and party away my nights. and when thts not the case i have a huge work load too! furthermore i have invincible deadlines to work towards which has undoubtedly left me in a bit of a panic...it isnt sounding glamorous is it guys?? well then dont even get me started on spending haha.

i have achieved something of value so far....today i handed in wat i class as my first published article :) believe me wen i say i will be keeping a clippin if it makes the paper. i signed up to write a very short article for the uni paper and i suddenly feel like an accomplished writer! i have been writing my little poetic anecdotes for wat feels like an eternity and suddenly this possibility of minor recognition has gotten me excited! i'll say no more ;)

so i think it would be the understatement of the century if i proclaimed now tht i am stressed but my stress levels are continuously rising L&Gs....

we've all done it (more or less :P) nite out. make a new 'friend', wake up, memory floods back, he/she was F-UGLY! but u'll never see them again rite?? its like coyote ugly without the one nite stand! OR IS IT! few weeks later u run into ur F-UGLY friend and if ur lucky u both jst walk rite by each other but either way.................UNIVERSAL CRINGE!

i must say its the worst thing ever whether u take note of each other. its the same feelin as remembering a particularly embarrassing childhood experience like...oh i dunno....peeing urslf in class! haha (i dont care wat u say IT WASNT ME!)

to be fair tho things could be far worse...

regardless of the work load i am enjoying both my courses which isnt always the case. and yes it is a struggle to remain awake in lectures at times but thts more a combination of cosy rooms and not enuff sleep :P

i have incredible flatmates who are helping me organise a birthday party....coming soon!

i have friends and family who i am in touch with constantly...maybe a tad too much for an independent gal?? :P

and i cant stop smiling a lot of the time...make of that what u will. :D

i leave u with one last ramble.....

u simply havent lived until u've been woken up by.....A 7:30 FIRE DRILL!!!!!