Mixing Business with Pleasure

I write my life into my work; I can’t help myself. I deny it all the time of course. People read what I’ve written and send me messages saying things like ‘how are you Amina?’ and ‘how have you been holding up lately Amina?’ And obviously I tell THE lie and say I am fine. On my adventurous days I say I’m splendid, super, the picture of perfection, always awesome. The real truth is that my written work isn’t always centred on my life. That would the height of hubris and slightly obsessive on my part. However, I can honestly say there isn’t one thing I have written that wasn’t as a result of an event in my life. Some events are more profound than others. Some of them are more closely and honestly interpreted into my work than others. Yet it is always the case that I observe something from my life so far, often from my past, and after thinking a little too much about it an idea begins to form. That idea quickly becomes coherent words that end up on paper. Some days I feel the need to share it immediately however awful it is. Other days I leave it on paper. I go back to it over and over again looking for the loophole I unwittingly created. Some of these are still on paper somewhere and they’ve never been shared.

So on the days when I’m feeling dark, which I am beginning to accept is most days, I write. I write whatever I am feeling or seeing or thinking. I write till my fingers cramp. I write till the words look like unbroken scribbles. I write till I can’t make sense of any thought that pops into my mind. I write about everyone that matters to me. I write about everything that has had an impact. I just keep writing because it is the only way I know how to live.

Random Compilation

I have a flu today, plus I have so much I need to sort out but in the spirit of sharing, here are a few of my private thoughts:

I get quieter when I'm thinking. Not in the sense of thinking while having a conversation, no. I'm practically a multitask-er when it comes to talking and thinking simultaneously. I mean more in the broad sense of having a lot on my mind and being in deep thought. I used to be quiet and shy but I've come out of my shell a lot and now I rarely shut up to the dismay of my nearest and dearest. And I'm sure the fact that I spew my jumbled thoughts out at lightning speed does nothing to ease their discomfort. But whenever I find myself in that state of mind where I become more reserved it is most likely a sign that I need to be alone with my thoughts somewhat. Not that I need to isolate myself like I used to when I was younger. Just more like I need to have some conversations within myself, find my balance. And I am definitely at that place now!

I'm letting people down by not being strong enough. I'm used to be the strong one wherever I am but recently life has been challenging, though in all honesty I am probably being hyperbolic about it all. So while I'm busy being selfish and whatever else, I feel like family and friends must be feeling let down by my absence. I should be there to help them and advice them but I'm falling short and that has to change.

I hope to God I know what I am doing. I'm making a decision to become more independent...or something along those lines. I am trying to take life into my own hands, more or less. It's hard but I am my father's daughter so it isn't impossible. I just hope to God I wont make any damaging mistakes that is all.