Throwing The Odd Tantrum For World Peace

Sometimes I overreact in regards to things that people usually don't take that seriously. A lot of the time I actually don't care. I just feel the need to put someone in their place.

This may sound a little strange but I concluded a while back that some people in life need to be reminded of the fragility of their' relationship' with you, otherwise they'll take advantage of the situation.

Case in point. Someone makes a comment that is kind of rude but not offensive enough for me to have a fit. I have a fit anyway so next time the person knows that I might react adversely to a similar or more sever comment. It's not because I care about the comment; rather it's to avoid future insults.

In actuality, I take a lot of things people say or do with a pinch of salt for my peace of mind and well being!!

With that that in mind...

Pet peeve of the day: Dubai Taxis

1. Why are you a taxi driver if you "apparently" don't know anywhere and are also unable or unwilling to use your little gadget map thingy that I've heard so much about but never actually seen??
2. Why oh why do you stop to give other drivers directions (insert ironic chuckle here) when the metre is running?? Are they going to pay your fare because I sure won't!!

P.S.

I think it's fair to say that I am aware that none of these are that serious but I just wanted to put it out there. 

Socially Anti-Social

I think people find me rather peculiar, understandably. I have the uncanny ability to be everyone's friend and yet be painfully, unbearably anti-social. I don't even know how possible that is. How can I be sociable and anti-social all at once? How can I know at least 50% of the people at a 'party' and still be the one sitting quietly in a corner somewhere? More importantly how can I be content doing it?

I think I'll always be like this. As much as I often kick myself for being a recluse, I think I value my ability to sit, listen and observe even in the most unusual situations. I've been this way since I was a child and I have that Forever 6 thing going on (in case you don't know what that is, it's my theory that a part of me will always be 6 years old). 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll always be the kid with imaginary friends, sitting alone in a corner and making her own fun out of thin air...I guess the silver lining is I know how to socialise if I need to.

Happy New Year!!

Our generation has done it again!! We survived the end of the world. We are nothing if not persistent viral infections.

Anyway, all that aside I am happy about this New Year. Although we are only 8 days in and these 8 days haven't been complete and utter perfection, it feels dangerously close. I'm just happy for no reason and every reason.

Even as a young girl I didn't take New Year's resolutions seriously; I had a habit of breaking them all by day two. It almost felt like tradition!! This year however I have resolved a few things I plan to take seriously.

1. I've resolved to be me, regardless of what ANYONE (family, friends or otherwise. in fact anyone short of God or His mouthpiece) has to say about it.
2. I've resolved to be closer to God no matter how hard the year makes it for me.
3. I've resolved to take a closer look at my future and make more solid plans regarding a number of things, i.e. what I want to do, where I want to do it et al.
4. I've resolved to stay out of all manners of conflict.
5. I've resolved to cut off all negative energy from my life in the forms of people or things/activities that have proven to be without benefit.
6. And finally I've resolved to be happy and thankful through all of it.

all these have put quite  a smile on my face and i publicise them thus as a point of reference, so whenever I feel like my year isn't going as I think it should I can come back here.

Oh and I started reading The Songs of Songs or The Songs of Solomon from the Bible recently, and all I have to say is wow!! Poetry at it's very best. 

PS

I was in Nigeria for 2 weeks recently so when I sort myself out I should have pictures and stories to share. 

Stay Tuned!!

00:05am 9/12/12

It is officially 15 years since I lost my father. I say lost like he was a puppy that I mistakenly let off the leash in a crowded market but you get the general idea. Some days I'm almost 100% sure I'll never get over it. Other days not so much. As has become tradition I shall post some things on my other blog here and maybe also my Tumblr here about Daddy. I hope you all enjoy. 

Writer's block; Happiness; Father; Rant.

I’ve been going through a bit of a blank when it comes to writing recently. My work has direct and major links to my emotions and right now I’m kind of falling apart inside.

I’ve been contemplating writing this mini “expose” (for want of a better word) for a while now and I still don’t know how I’m going to approach it. So pardon my lack of coherence and the metaphorical tear stains all over the page. 

I know I sabotage myself a lot. The thoughts that go through my mind kill me slowly like hired hit-men and no one around me seems to notice half the time. They aren’t remotely silent thoughts, so I am often baffled and frankly amused that no one ever sees my eyes screaming. And when they do they just assume I’m tired and of course I let them think that, because in some ways I am. 

On the 9th of December it will be 15 whole years since my father died. A lot of things spring to mind when I have that thought. I still find it hard to deal with and that’s what worries me the most. I feel like I should be ‘over it’ by now. Of course I’m aware of how unrealistic that sounds but at the same time I’m sick of crying about this all the time. I’m sick of insulting quasi-memories of events that may or may not have happened the way I remember them.I’m sick of coming from a family that never discusses the big stuff. Instead we cover it up with unnecessary fights, bad jokes, repeated anecdotes and trivialities. And I just can’t deal with this.

A year after he died I sat in front of my praying mother and cried. When she realised why I was crying she rebuked me. And I never brought it up again. Often times we talk about my dad like some entity that once existed then stopped existing. IT DIDN’T HAPPEN LIKE THAT. 

And yes I know I should address this issue with them, but my family has never worked that way and we don’t deal with change well so…

Any way, I miss my father a lot this year. I just turned 21 and I’m thinking of all the reason’s why I need him around now and how life would have been different if he was. Even though I now realise I am no longer 6 and I can’t keep hoping to wake up and see my father sitting in his long chair, I still have other wishes. I wish I could remember his voice. I wish I could see him in a dream talking to me as I am now. I wish I could see him in a dream talking to me as I was then.

I have a lot of love and I feel ungrateful for not appreciating that as much as I dwell in this. But THIS is a major part of my existence so I find it hard not to dwell. I know that come December 9th I will gradually return to some form of emotional…numbness?? Stability?? I don’t know. Whatever shade of blue it is I usually maintain for the duration of the year. But right now the world feels rather dark and heavy. I find myself being thankful for things like seclusion and hours of the night where I can cry silently into my sleeves and insomnia and friends/family with eyes that do not see.

I saw something on Tumblr today that made me smile and cry and think today:

maybe my fathers presence

would’ve ruined me

as much as his absence did. 

Warsan Shire

ERRRMMM

....I just updated my other blog apologising for my absence and promising new content, then I realised I have nothing to promise you. Not that I have nothing to promise you but that I don't really think I'm ready to share. The truth is there is always so much going on in my life that it's all kind of a blur and I struggle to decide which one takes precedence. Furthermore unlike my other blog there is no clear cut purpose or audience for this one. Well I'll think of something soon and I'll make the time to share it. Thanks for being patient with me though....

Bye Now!!

Mixing Business with Pleasure

I write my life into my work; I can’t help myself. I deny it all the time of course. People read what I’ve written and send me messages saying things like ‘how are you Amina?’ and ‘how have you been holding up lately Amina?’ And obviously I tell THE lie and say I am fine. On my adventurous days I say I’m splendid, super, the picture of perfection, always awesome. The real truth is that my written work isn’t always centred on my life. That would the height of hubris and slightly obsessive on my part. However, I can honestly say there isn’t one thing I have written that wasn’t as a result of an event in my life. Some events are more profound than others. Some of them are more closely and honestly interpreted into my work than others. Yet it is always the case that I observe something from my life so far, often from my past, and after thinking a little too much about it an idea begins to form. That idea quickly becomes coherent words that end up on paper. Some days I feel the need to share it immediately however awful it is. Other days I leave it on paper. I go back to it over and over again looking for the loophole I unwittingly created. Some of these are still on paper somewhere and they’ve never been shared.

So on the days when I’m feeling dark, which I am beginning to accept is most days, I write. I write whatever I am feeling or seeing or thinking. I write till my fingers cramp. I write till the words look like unbroken scribbles. I write till I can’t make sense of any thought that pops into my mind. I write about everyone that matters to me. I write about everything that has had an impact. I just keep writing because it is the only way I know how to live.