You most certainly deserve an update!

Well I have be negligent haven't I few but faithful?? To be honest it wasn't solely my fault. So much going on in the world and in my world...you know how life always seems to get in the way of living...

Any way let me save us all some time and fill you in.  First of all I have returned to university...but things are a bit different now. I'm in Dubai!!! Sounds wonderfully exhilarating doesn't it?? You really shouldn't judge a place by its travel brochure. Don't misunderstand: it's a beautiful place to go on holiday, but my goodness can it rear its ugly head when you live there??!! It's terribly expensive too!

But university is fun. I have a roommate which is interesting but nice. I am trying to stay me this time but still have fun. I'm getting more confident about many things in life. Most importantly i am trying to stay close to God which is difficult to say the least :/ But I have no doubt that He will guide and strengthen me. Pray for me. I need it

Becoming Aware of God

Twice now I have become fully aware of God’s many mercies upon my life. He accepts me.

The fact that He even permits me into His presence after I have defiled and blasphemed against:

1.       Him

2.       His temple

3.       His word…

I have redirected my blessings to satisfy self and flesh.

I never understood the mind-set of true believers. They always seemed so hurt and genuinely moved by sin, ignorance, blasphemy and other evils of the world. Then I saw the true blessings of God and I began to understand Your word. I started to see how our sins hurt You, Father! I realised that sin not only destroyed us and our relationship with You, but they hurt You so much because Your children, Your creation, are totally ignorant of Your existence and Your true love for them. We don’t even believe in the sacrifice that You have made. We live in the world that You have made for us! Yet we can’t acknowledge Your existence. You have given so much. You have sacrificed so much. But what have we given to You? How do we repay You for all that You do? How do we acknowledge and reverence You? Wait…do we even acknowledge or reverence You? Our excuse is that the world is imperfect; we are imperfect, yes. Through sin we are…but through Christ, God sees perfection in us.

We do not understand that Your mercies departed from us. If we were truly deserted by You Lord, WE WOULD BE NOTHING. My imagination [as excitable as it gets and as blessed as I am with it] cannot even begin to fathom how empty, pointless, irrelevant, deserted our lives would be. Words cannot express that image.

                                WE WOULD BE NOTHING

                                WE WOULD BE DESERT LAND

                                WE WOULD BE HELL PERSONIFIED…

Because the absence of God is Hell.

All that I am is You Lord

                                I just truly understood what that means. You increase my knowledge and thirst for You and I appreciate You for that Lord.

I Predict A Riot

So the riot started in London and spread to other parts of the UK. For me and other residents of the country, there is tension and panic in the air. The media coverage is appalling by the way...I tuned in to the BBC naively expecting them to be neutral like they always claim to be. But the newsreader was extremely patronizing to someone she was interviewing, and she actually backed up his point.

He was trying to explain that the riots were going to happen anyway. He was trying to make her understand that it was brewing underground and that the youths were rebelling because they were unhappy. She tried to turn this on him by claiming that he was in support of the riots which he denied. But she kept pushing and of course he snapped:

"...have some respect for an old west indian negro and stop accusing me of rioting...u just sound idiotic..."

Apart from that we have a vast array of ignorant politicians including our very own Prime Minister and his house help/Deputy. The newsreaders keep telling us to expect a speech. Yes. Words are what we need now...not action. We are also told to expect the return of the Mayor of London seeing as he has been of so much help to us in the past.

Speaking of action, police action is messed up. The London prisons are filled up and they are transporting people to other parts of Britain....not that this is in anyway a waste of time or valuable resources.

The thing is the devastation is there though many are still trying to turn a blind eye. And this stopped being about alleged trigger happy cops and a black man's shooting a long time ago...if it was the riots would have started a while back. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. People are aggravated, tired, confused, concerned, shocked. Things need to be done. Actions need to be taken. Political speeches of ignorance are of no help to us now.

I've suddenly gotten really busy...

I'm writing a gospel album o.O

I'm working on a youth project for church :D

I'm writing an article :D <3

I'm writing a short story based on an aspect of my life :D :S

So yh busy busy busy. Which is good right?? WRONG!! lool

Well its kinda 50/50

Don't get me wrong, I love writing. It's my passion. It's all I am genuinely good at. It's God's gift to me and I am thankful. But recently I feel like I've bitten of more than I can chew. Plus my old friend writer's block has resurfaced. Pray for me I think I'm gonna need it.

MUCH LUVINGS TO U <3

The Music of the Future

The first thing I remember about the black beauty with crazy feet and a memorable voice that I now know as Janelle Monae, was the nostalgic energy of her music. It was like watching a female reincarnation of Little Richard. Her current album The ArchAndroid is a bold display of her imaginative journey, compiled with her many musical influences. At first look, the album is simply a surreal musical spectacle. But her unique take on traditional themes such as inequality, romance, war and the future, as well as the way she paints pictures with her music, overrides this knee jerk response. Her music doesn’t necessarily cross boundaries as much as it erases them. She joins a small selection of artists to successfully explore blends of genres such as Afro Punk. As you listen to the album, you can hear the diverse genres she explores and masters. From Classical through to Rock, her eclectic taste spans across musical generations. Nevertheless these mergers of varying genres intertwine seamlessly in Monae’s album and the transition from song to song is very fluid. Her malleable voice tells a structured story with her music as well as her lyrics that makes the album unmistakably hers. Her voice is so versatile that it can be embedded comfortably in many genres and still sound original. Her sentiments of wanting to use music as an instrument for change are evident in the lyrics of her songs. Therefore Monae’s album can be described on a whole as euphoric and overwhelming.

I wrote this for a friend...I still don't know what he wanted it for...but here it is :) enjoy <3

What's in a name??

For those with the capacity to remember, a name is what they'll know you as for the rest of your life. It's what they'll exclaim whenever they see you from a distance. It's what they'll use when they relay information about you to the world. It'll be one of the triggers of memories of you for them. It's what they'll call your sibling when they mix you up. It's what they'll frantically try to remember when they see you coming. So ideally a name should be unique, memorable, but not embarrassing.

There are two things you don't want. You don't want to be constantly referred to as what's-her-face or what's-his-name. What you definitely do not want is to have a name so embarrassing that you either flat out refuse to tell people, or you shorten it to a confusing but less embarrassing single letter: C.

The reason that this current bout of randomness is traipsing through my mind is because I'm getting baptized [or planning to soon] And I don't know how anyone else does it, but my sister says I'm going to need a new name.

Preferably I would like a Biblical name but I don't know how well that'll work out for me. If it doesn't, I always have the choice of a normal name with a 'Biblical' meaning. The thing is I've had my name for almost 20 years now. It took a while for it to grow on me, but it finally has and I quite like it. I don't know how well I'll adjust to a new one...

Well change is necessary in life...

XXX

“Do you want to be a burning star or a black hole?”

A simple question asked by the duo of Upper Echelon, and they seem to have answered it themselves. The up and coming musicians have apparently chosen the first option as they acquire an ever growing fan base from all parts of the world. So why are the boys trending?

There are two main reasons why any one likes a new song. The beat is either so amazing that you would tell your boss to shut up and move out of the way so you can bust a move, or the lyrics are so beautiful you would stop still and listen attentively to the phrasing of each word till the end of the song, after which you would replay it a few more times till you’ve practically memorised the lyrics and can recite them at will.

Before you listen to their music I have some advice for you. Stop thinking of UE as the two man hip hop duo that it is on the surface; instead think of them as a packaged journey and destination. The journey is in the memorable melodies and the honest, hard-hitting lyrics. Each song tells a story. It introduces the listener to a phase or aspect of life, both personal and universal, that has inspired their genius.

Reaching the destination that is UE means realising that their music is diverse yet seamless. It is the realisation that the magic you’re listening to is a merger of different musical styles with originality and contemporary charms. They manage, with great ease, to stay relevant while injecting styles as old as Motown into their innovative, lyrical pieces.

Their personal accounts of their family, grief, struggle and success makes it easy for listeners to relate to them. Their use of religious allegory in their lyrics makes them seem grounded despite their aspirations to be pioneers of their genre.

The boys are currently working on a mix tape called We Own The Sky. You can find songs from the mix tape on their Youtube page here: http://www.youtube.com/user/UeHiphop1

You can also find them on:

1. Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/uehiphop
2. Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/uehiphop
3. Twitter:http://twitter.com/#!/uehiphop

Happy exploring!!!!

I have missed you all so much....

I shouldn't do this to you guys...but I was stuck in a bad rut over the last few months and the last thing I wanted to do was vent my anger out on the world :)

However things are looking up :D God has smiled on me :)

First of all my godmother, who was previously near death and in hospital, is recovering now and back home, so praise God for that.

Also I am working with these two fabulous gentlemen from the states called Caliph and Tunde :D I think I may have mentioned them before...does the name Upper Echelon ring any bells??

Anyways keep a look out I have a few things coming soon I'll give you a taster later today :D

Also I'm planning to get baptized (FINALLY) I will also return with a lot more info about that.

There are a few other irrelevant snippets of info which I will be throwing in your general direction shortly :)

I'm a MASSIVE hypochondriac

Yes. Its True. I am a huge hypochondriac...but I'm kinda not sure if I am at the same time. On one hand I am sure I have every psychological problem from bipolar disorder to SAD. In fact I think me calling myself a Hypochondriac when I am so obviously not is a sign that I am. Confusing, I know. However I can't possibly be because I don't stress about my physical health that much. OK so I occasionally diagnose my random thoughts and ultimate winter depression as something far worse than my pure self-indulgence. But that doesn't make a hypochondriac or a mentally unstable person right??

Ultimately I suppose I am just hyperbolic. Prime example: In my last year of primary school, our English teacher used to put poems on massive cards and stick them on the wall at the back of the class. In one of them the word exaggeration was used. None of us knew what it meant but he eventually told us. It described me perfectly. I have always been too [insert word of choice here :P] I am always at one end of the spectrum and I love it. And quite frankly I love the word exaggeration.

On a Musical Note....

You know when you get those messages on YouTube where people send you videos?? More times than not they are awful disastrous covers by some delusional person. But on some very rare occasions you're actually approached by sane and talented people...like today!

I got a message from a rap duo from the states known as Upper Echelon. Now rap isn't usually my thing because it has kinda moved away from being lyrical poetry, to being an obscene measure of how much everyone owns and the guns they use to make others give them what they don't have yet. However they reminded me of why my brothers hid in their rooms and listened to Tupac's mix tapes.

Even as I struggle for the words to write this randomness, I am replaying their songs over and over again on YT. It's been a long time since I listened to any rap song and felt goosebumps rather than disgust.

This is a link to their YT page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/UeHiphop1

They also have a Facebook page just search for Upper Echelon.

I implore you to listen I promise you'll find something to relate to.

You Know I Loves You.

Neglect

I have been awful! I have neglected my few but faithful, and for that I am truly sorry.

I wish I had a good excuse for you, I really do. But the fact of the matter is I have been in hiding recently. I have avoided friends and most of my family and that is simply because I am trying to avoid the many nagging problems in my mind.

I also I wish I could share my burdens with you...but I wouldn't even know where to start. And besides I am sure you all have your own burdens. Tell them to me! I need something to help me take my mind of ME! Please?? It is the way I survive.

Now I don't tend to share my inner most crazies with anyone beyond my unfortunate nearest and dearest. But you have found yourself amidst the 'privileged' today. If you ask me what I have spent my time doing recently I would have to say...falling out of love. Being in love is torture. It’s HIM calling, texting or randomly showing up in my peripheral vision and flushing my whole day down the toilet, and seemingly without knowing it! It’s turning an old duvet cover into some kind of dress or sleeping bag and re-writing an old Dean Martin song in my head until it's relevant and doesn’t make me a lesbian.

Ultimately, I think what I am trying to say is that I have neglected you because I have felt neglected...so don't hold it against me :)

I Think They Call It Folk...

L&Gs I thought you would be interested in knowing that my musical taste is narrowing again...though I am not quite sure what the genre would be/is called. it started off with popular things like Mumford & Sons and The Temper Trap. But now I also like Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan (although I don't think they work together anymore :/), Mick Flannery, The Avvet Brothers and James Vincent McMorrow.

Yes I know its a hell of a list...but this way I never forget these geniuses. And I genuinely think they should all do one humongous collaboration lol I know Mumford & Sons know The Temper Trap and Lisa Hannigan is 'mutual friends' with Damien (of course), Glen (and hopefully Marketa by extension) and Mick. So maybe they can get the rest together eventually :) Or maybe they all know each other. Yay! lol I know I know I am making it up in my head *sigh :/

But yeah you guys should check them out and tell me what you think. I hope you like them all because they are AWESOME!!!

Thank You

Yes. Yes, It is a book review...

I know! I don't think any of these entries have have ever had a clear cut purpose. But today is a new day! I recently decided to get back into reading books again. I have read two so far but the last one really was made for me :D

Catch me when I fall is a book about a manic depressive called Holly Krauss written by the ingenious duo that is Nicci French (i.e. Nicci Gerard and Sean French) It is, without a doubt, one of the best modern literary works I have read-on par with Strange fits of passion by Anita Shreeve. Though it is written by two people, it is seamless, and I am actually curious as to how they achieved this; how the workload was divided. However they managed it, it was beautifully done.

Like in the movies, the character of Holly Krauss plays the lead and her best friend Meg Summers is the best supporting female. The book is divided into two parts narrated by Holly and Meg respectively. Holly's manic depression isn't diagnosed from the start of the book, so she seems a little less than likeable when we watch her destroy her lives and everyone else's...But if you get passed that, you realise that she either had something seriously wrong with her or that someone needed to give her condition a name quickly so she could be sectioned. Of course you are more sympathetic to her plight as the narrative progresses, unlike most of her fellow characters who either wanted her as dead as road-kill or dangerously close. She also talks a lot about her father and the closer she gets to her diagnosis, the more you realise that it is hereditary.

The book is casually predictable with drops of proleptic irony here and there. But this makes it all the more interesting, like getting a taste and wanting more. To put it in perspective, after reading a handful of John Grisham books you know everything he could possibly ever write about again (until of course you arrive at Playing for pizza and the 'apparent' lack of lawyers temporarily knocks you off balance) But no matter how many Dean Koontz books you read, there is something forever enticing about his 'oh-so-familiar', supernaturally eccentric books. All of Dean Koontz predictable tension and excitement is squeezed neatly into this little Nicci French book, and for me, I couldn't be more grateful!

There was a lot about the main character that attracted and terrified me all at once. I think anyone who reads it will be able to see a lot of themselves in her or at least the potential to be like her. Don't get me wrong she is no 'Everyman' but she is very human. For possible hypochondriacs like myself, I think it is safe to warn you that you will temporarily freak out when you realise she is actually mentally unstable.

The Writing Hut!

http://www.re-nest.com/re-nest/email/famous-writers-small-writing-sheds-and-offthegrid-huts-140587

I started following a blog of note called automatism today. Pretty awesome blog! I was reading some of the author's stuff and found an article that had the link featured in mine today....so you could say automatism was an inspiration.

Anyhu if you read the article you'll see that its about various well known writer's, like Mark Twain and Roald Dahl, and their 'writing huts.' Essentially a writing hut is a shed where some writers stay in when writing, like their own private world away from the world, where they can go crazy and have numerous writer's blocks LOL

The reason why this interested me is quite bizarre really. When I was much younger, the house we lived in Nigeria had a study. It was originally my dad's study, but when he passed away it became a personal and creative haven for me. So as a child my time was divided between excessive amounts of television and discovering my love for reading and writing in my dad's study. I had most of my meals in there...which weren't many as I was never a big eater :D Basically that study was MY 'writing hut.' You have no idea how important this makes me feel! LOL childish I know...You should have seen me last week when I realised that the actor, Neil McDermott who plays Ryan on EastEnders had two of my teddy bears! :O

Don't you just love Dylan Moran?

I can practically hear anyone who has bothered to read this say 'huh?' And I don't blame you. Everyone laughs at the funny guy but no one remembers his name.

But everyone SHOULD know Dylan Moran because he is a comic genius and an utter legend. Which is why Ii introduced one of my friends to his great works tonight.

Of all the ingenious things I have heard him say, the one that seems to stick is this: "The ultimate human shopping list: I'd like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned upon and some downright disgusting, please. I'll have that to go, thank you!"I think its because it so true!!

Take the illegal stuff. There are many illegal things that seem to be just common now like under aged drinking. Speaking mostly for the west, you will be extremely lucky to find a young, sober teenager on a weekend, regardless of how old-or not-they may be. Many people start drinking at an unbelievably young age, and there seems to be a competition on how low the number can go for each candidate. And then there's the smoking and the drugs, and the list of commonly occurring illegalities just goes on and on and on...

Then there's the forbidden stuff. I mean that goes way back to Adam and Eve (if you're a creationist) God specifically said to the dastardly duo; "DO NOT touch the fruit of the tree in the middle of this beautiful garden, overflowing with food to eat. Everything in this incredibly spacious oasis belongs to you, except THAT TREE"-maybe not in so many words...but you get the general idea don't you?? Well that makes-oh-everyone BUT Adam and Eve, the two people who needed to understand the idea behind the forbidden fruit the most.

The frowned upon. OK it's FROWNED UPON for an 80-ish year old man to date 20 year old identical twin girls while being engaged to another woman but hey look at Hugh Hefner now! He seems to be doing well for himself. Now can you blame anyone for thinking, "Screw it! I am going to add a dash of frowned upon into my life. What's the worst that can happen?" Well apparently you could end up loaded and living in a house KNOWN for housing promiscuous 'sexy' single women for the rest of your life. Now that isn't so bad...is it??

And then there was the disgusting. I will try to make this simple. My nephew spent the whole of February wearing the same pair of blue football socks. He wore them day in day out for the whole month regardless of my protests. They stunk like mouldy cheese and sweaty sumo wrestlers and he took pride in them!! It was beyond disgusting, It was revolting! I actually dry-heaved every time he walked passed-no joke. Yet he did it. And he had a great time too, bless his cheesy footed cotton socks :/ Admittedly it was mostly at my expense.

Don't get me wrong I don't WANT the ultimate human shopping list. I just wanted to rant really and now I am done so I will leave you with another slice of comic genius from the man of the moment: "I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder. The best I could hope for would be to drown somebody else in my own blood. If I don't drown myself before."

hahaha classic.

Life Isn't Fair

Remember when you were younger and something would happen and you'd be like "its not fair!" And some smart ass would remind you that "life isn't fair."

I think on some minute level we all agreed that that was true then. But as you grow older this fact seems to reiterate and prove itself. Most of us can deal with life being unfair to us. We're OK with it because it's us, we can take any amount of crap the world throws at us. We might moan and groan while it's happening but deep down we know we wouldn't have it any other way. Because ultimately if it isn't happening to you, chances are it is happening to someone else. And it is more likely than you realise for 'someone else' to be someone you know.

Nothing is more painful to watch than when life is being unfair to someone you know. It doesnt really matter most of the time how well you know the person and sometimes you even wish you could take their place.

I found out today that a woman I met less than a year ago has, in that time, lost her husband and an unborn child she was carrying. She lost her husband first and although they already had a little girl, the new baby was supposed to be a happy reminder; her little dollop of joy in her current tragedy. But it was not to be.

I was so upset to hear it. She is such a lovely person and although I wasn't fortunate enough to meet her husband, no one ever had a bad word to say about him. And what did the kids ever do to deserve this? But I guess life just isn't fair.

Writers Block!!! :'(

No, no, the irony doesn't escape. Yes I am writing about being unable to write, right.

A couple of years ago I went to a literary workshop where the woman suggested a mental exercise to help you past the point of writer's block. Of course I was 'young and naive' and I hadn't fully experienced the frustration of having nothing to write when all you want to do is write. However after my random out pour of 'literary works' I seem to be going thru a dry spell :/ It is no fun, I assure you.

It's still ironic tho that I have so much to write bout it but have nothing to write, in reality. Sad really. I think I'm just having an angry day in general and need a 'pen of rage' moment (as Russell Howard describes it)

so this was mainly a pointless rant but humour me and read it anyways :(

(she tells you now...at the end...lol)

A couple of Majorly unrelated things....

Thing 1

My sister is gorgeous!!!

Its not like I didn't know this before... I mean we are related :P but that's not the point at all haha

It suddenly hit early this morning when she was leaving for work. She had no make up on, was wearing really unflattering clothes, her hair was not in its best state and I know she still looked better than I do. She is older than me by a significant but undisclosable amount of years, married with three kids yet she is still the same size as I am and much better looking!

So if I look half as good as her later in life I'll be grateful haha

Thing 2

Steve Jobs (I told you! grossly unrelated)

I dunno if anyone has seen a recent pic of him but he doesn't look great (OK maybe slightly related)

I know he previously had a battle with his health since his liver transplant in 2009 but the general media is speculating that he might be ill again as he has lost a lot of weight, is looking very ill and I think I heard thru the grapevine that he is taking some more time off. He did this during his last battle with cancer. I hope he is OK personally, because although I am a MASSIVE technophobe (story for another day) he is an entreprenuering legend and would be a grave unfortunate loss to the business community....so if the rumours are true, get well soon Stevie and if not I am so sowi :D

PS

a link for u :)

http://www.techdigest.tv/2011/03/steve_jobs_defi.html

Fine Line

Recently it seems my writing for my blogs has a tendency of overlapping....basically, this blog is supposed to be random and irrelevant (wow great selling point Amina) and the other is supposed to be creative and expressive. But more often than not I find that the...'genres'-if you like-tend cross over. For example, I recently wrote something that wasn't a short story or a poem, the usual contents of my expressionism blog. However it wasn't much like anything else I had written on this blog either. The problem I am facing is this...where the hell do I put it?! I know I know ridiculous times.

PS

my friend, the author of the blog museboxxe, recently complimented me on this so I cant be doing that badly. Right?? Oh and I think I'm going to put the object of my ramblings on my expressionism blog so check it out OK?? :D

Amazin' Stuff

http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

I found a comment on my expressionism blog from someone who owns this blog :) I was majorly happy to find a comment from someone else because most of the comments are from people who I know, or more recently someone who's blog i have followed. But this was just random. I loved it. Then I went on their blog and loved it a little more. You guys need to check it out and or comment/follow because whoever they are...THEY ROCK!! :D

TheNastyNosher

http://www.youtube.com/comment_search?username=TheNastyNosher

Wondering what the link is about?? Click on it to find out...

DISCLAIMER

But let me warn you...you might feel the need to annihilate this hill-billy afterwards...I so wanted not to get angry at this person. I mean I really tried. But I just couldn't. I wanted to sucker punch the douche. I have never wanted to hurt someone so much...screw the pen being mightier than the sword!! I wanted to inflict some real pain...

Then I wanted to understand how and/or why someone ended up this twisted...obviously that emotion didn't last long. Only scientist want to research extinction.

Then I wanted to HELP this person. I actually wanted to HELP...I mean is there something wrong with me like medically?? Do I just enjoy when people walk ALL OVER me?? (not me personally in this instant but you get the gist)

I am so annoyed but I still want to help this person...I know what will happen if I try though...I will get turned down and insulted...I'm still trying to build up the courage and calm myself down long enough....

Pray for me

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Then he landed on the usually quiet dog.

The usually quiet dog got unusually irritated.

The usually quiet dog chased the quick brown fox.

The usually quiet dog bit the quick brown fox's head off.

The lazy dog yawned...

Moral? Be careful how far you push

'Cause one day the quiet one will bite back

And I can guarantee it will hurt like hell.

Forgiveness

I'm not bout to preach at you guys but it kinda felt necessary to do this :D

I've gone through life holding on to a lot of things that people have done to me in the past. Yes I've been hurt and I would be a hypocrite if i say i have never held a grudge. But I was in church on new years eve and the pastor made a point about forgiveness. We all gathered that night and prayed for the spirit of forgiveness as we entered into the new year.

Granted, it's easier said than done. But in that very moment I realised that I was burning up energy, bottling up irrelevant emotions.

Not everyone is religious so this isn't just about religion. It's about making yourself feel better. Whether you admit it or not, these people have significant power over you because you waste your energy being angry at them. No one is worth that much hassle. You spend so much time being angry at them...and the chances are half these people probably don't remember you or the incident.

It takes longer for some than others. But as long as you do it eventually it doesn't really matter. Just know that the longer you wait, the longer it eats away at you

It's your call :D

Just a Quick Note...

to remind you guys that there is more to me than random ramblings...not a significant amount more, but more is more.

If you venture unto my other blog you will see that I have opened the month of February with 2 new pieces of 'creative' writing. I recently opened up comments to everyone so feel free to drop me one about my increasing awfulness :D

Ciao!

So I have all these songs on my blog now and I know someone's going ask me what its about lol so let me tell you now. The first one is this amazing Ne-yo song that is sad and WOW all at once and it reminds me of good and bad times. the others are form this chick am subscribed to on youtube who just rocked my world today. She does covers but her originals are actually beautiful if you get the chance you should definitely listen to her stuff.

For Mother's Day "How Do I Tell You?" Original by Jen Chung

"It's Up To You" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"Very Last Time" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"Almost" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"You Won" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

Ne-Yo - Stop this world (from the year of the gentleman)

Rock and Hard Place

Like everything else in my life, the most beautiful things happen at the worst time! lol I am so happy because I finally got what I wanted but it sucks because I've kinda made another commitment. I never know what to do in these situations. Do you keep your commitment or satisfy yourself?? Do you let yourself down as well as the most important person in your life?? Or do you let down someone you've become so close to, who has proven to be very nice indeed?? I really want to blame him and be like 'well you should have made your mind up faster' but I should have been more patient....

Its always like this with me I've come to accept it and I think on some subconscious level I know what I'm going to do...I hate it already

WOW

I just had the most amazing conversation with the most amazing person. I just needed to tell someone without screaming it from the rooftops because I've found something pretty awesome and I am not stopping till I'm sure it's mine.

Panic Stations

So my friend sent me a message on facebook the other day (meaning yesterday or somewhere thereabout...the days are a blur lol) I think she was worried about me. She definitely sounded very worried lol

I have crazy love for her and I understand her worry. Reading back some of my blog posts I can see why she would be (she read them too of course)

So from me too the very few people who bother to read this drool....do i sound depressed??

If yes.........

• You must realise that I only ever write in blog when I would write in a diary...if I kept one i.e. at points of emotional peak. Admittedly my emotional peaks have been at times of sadness recently...
• Furthermore the purposes of my blog are changing somewhat due to some MAJOR changes in my life.
• Also I tend to be a bit ambiguous about said changes (I know! I know! Contradicts the whole purpose of a blog but I a what I am lol) My ambiguity doesn't help my seeming depression much.

So I think its only fair to assure my friend and whoever else cares enough that I am not contemplating suicide presently, scouts honour :D

Why do I do this to myself??

To be forewarned is to be forearmed and I was most definitely forewarned. But of course me being me I refused to listen. When it comes down to it I hurt more than anyone else involved. I need to stop trusting people so easily! I need to stop giving my heart away! I most definitely need to stop expecting other people to 'fix' me!

I had a dream that I remembered last night. I am thankful to say that this is becoming a regular occurrence. I think maybe I should take advantage of this and record what I remember in some format or the other?? Anyway in my dream there was an eclipse. I have never seen an eclipse in real life before but it looked gorgeous in my dream. Now I don't know all the scientific 'jargon' behind it, you know all the technical terms; however the moon was in front of the sun and it looked bigger than the sun at first. Not as big as a full moon in its prime, but bigger. But when it covered the sun there was a ring of light around it. I cant remember clearly but I think people were trying to get away from the darkness. But it was my first eclipse so I was mesmerised; I wanted to see it, to watch the slow creeping darkness. Then world truly went black. It was darker than a starless night during a power cut, and although there was a slight inclination of fear in me, I wasn't nearly as terrified as everyone else seemed.

What really got me though was I woke up this morning and barely thought about it. And when I did remember it felt more like a memory, simultaneously distant and recent, but not a dream. It most definitely didn't feel like a dream. Then as I decided to start typing this up I swear I remembered something in the Bible about an eclipse and it wasn't good...

GOSH

You know the feeling you get, when you have resolved an issue, made a decision, a choice, a conclusion: the feeling of peace at last. I would really like to know why I am not feeling that right now. Maybe because choosing a path is only half the battle. Maybe it's knowing that now that I have made a choice I have to face up to it, live with it, see it through. Or more importantly, maybe it's the fear that every gambler feels because they know that there's a good chance that a risk wont pay off.

I want to say that I am 100% confident in my choice. I AM very happy with it though. I know it was the right step to take. I just hope that I can remember that when it matters. I keep telling myself, if its meant to be it will work out right and if it doesn't, then well, there's always home. I am more afraid now than I have ever been in my life and I hope that will be my motivation.

Now all I need to do is tell the people who matter; I just haven't figured out how...

Check out this iNudge #9t8r

Check out this iNudge #770pu

Side Bar

So a lot has been happening in life peoples but I'm not here to tell you about that....defeating the purpose of the blog I know. However I am here for my little nephew. He is ten years old and he made the awesome beats on my sidebar. From now on I'll be posting any beats he makes for me on here so you guys can enjoy it as much as i do :)

A New Resolution

Happy new year guyzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't know 'bout you but last year was pretty screwed up for me. I feel like I lived a mixed up life in the last quarter of the year as a direct reaction of all the mixed up things that happened to me before hand. So this year I am determined to be, happy no matter what...its only been six days but it hasn't been easy so far.

As has become customary in my family, every so often I discover some tasteless fact that shines some light on a lot of things about my past. They haven't disappointed. Though it isn't something I have discussed or plan to discuss with anyone soon, it is what it is and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Next is the sudden state of limbo I seem to have developed. I have always been indecisive and it seems it's about to have a great effect on my life...wish me luck.

Another thing is the fact that my heart needs to be bullet proof now apparently because people just love to walk all over it! ha-ha I don't even know what it is... I must just attract people who want me to hurt but...what's a girl to do? I don't even blame the guys any more. I quit thinking it's the guys I while back. I think, fundamentally I'm just a messed up person. period.

Finally is that I have decided to try my hardest to (call me crazy) get closer to God this year. If nothing else I need him in my life. He has never let me down before and I doubt he is 'bout to start now :) I hope not now.

So I realise I have been more than a little cryptic and vague in this blog but you're going to have to pardon me for that, because there is so much I want to say, and as much as I would LOVE to say it, I just cant.