So I have all these songs on my blog now and I know someone's going ask me what its about lol so let me tell you now. The first one is this amazing Ne-yo song that is sad and WOW all at once and it reminds me of good and bad times. the others are form this chick am subscribed to on youtube who just rocked my world today. She does covers but her originals are actually beautiful if you get the chance you should definitely listen to her stuff.

For Mother's Day "How Do I Tell You?" Original by Jen Chung

"It's Up To You" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"Very Last Time" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"Almost" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

"You Won" Original by Jennifer Chung & Johnny Yang

Ne-Yo - Stop this world (from the year of the gentleman)

Rock and Hard Place

Like everything else in my life, the most beautiful things happen at the worst time! lol I am so happy because I finally got what I wanted but it sucks because I've kinda made another commitment. I never know what to do in these situations. Do you keep your commitment or satisfy yourself?? Do you let yourself down as well as the most important person in your life?? Or do you let down someone you've become so close to, who has proven to be very nice indeed?? I really want to blame him and be like 'well you should have made your mind up faster' but I should have been more patient....

Its always like this with me I've come to accept it and I think on some subconscious level I know what I'm going to do...I hate it already

WOW

I just had the most amazing conversation with the most amazing person. I just needed to tell someone without screaming it from the rooftops because I've found something pretty awesome and I am not stopping till I'm sure it's mine.

Panic Stations

So my friend sent me a message on facebook the other day (meaning yesterday or somewhere thereabout...the days are a blur lol) I think she was worried about me. She definitely sounded very worried lol

I have crazy love for her and I understand her worry. Reading back some of my blog posts I can see why she would be (she read them too of course)

So from me too the very few people who bother to read this drool....do i sound depressed??

If yes.........

• You must realise that I only ever write in blog when I would write in a diary...if I kept one i.e. at points of emotional peak. Admittedly my emotional peaks have been at times of sadness recently...
• Furthermore the purposes of my blog are changing somewhat due to some MAJOR changes in my life.
• Also I tend to be a bit ambiguous about said changes (I know! I know! Contradicts the whole purpose of a blog but I a what I am lol) My ambiguity doesn't help my seeming depression much.

So I think its only fair to assure my friend and whoever else cares enough that I am not contemplating suicide presently, scouts honour :D

Why do I do this to myself??

To be forewarned is to be forearmed and I was most definitely forewarned. But of course me being me I refused to listen. When it comes down to it I hurt more than anyone else involved. I need to stop trusting people so easily! I need to stop giving my heart away! I most definitely need to stop expecting other people to 'fix' me!

I had a dream that I remembered last night. I am thankful to say that this is becoming a regular occurrence. I think maybe I should take advantage of this and record what I remember in some format or the other?? Anyway in my dream there was an eclipse. I have never seen an eclipse in real life before but it looked gorgeous in my dream. Now I don't know all the scientific 'jargon' behind it, you know all the technical terms; however the moon was in front of the sun and it looked bigger than the sun at first. Not as big as a full moon in its prime, but bigger. But when it covered the sun there was a ring of light around it. I cant remember clearly but I think people were trying to get away from the darkness. But it was my first eclipse so I was mesmerised; I wanted to see it, to watch the slow creeping darkness. Then world truly went black. It was darker than a starless night during a power cut, and although there was a slight inclination of fear in me, I wasn't nearly as terrified as everyone else seemed.

What really got me though was I woke up this morning and barely thought about it. And when I did remember it felt more like a memory, simultaneously distant and recent, but not a dream. It most definitely didn't feel like a dream. Then as I decided to start typing this up I swear I remembered something in the Bible about an eclipse and it wasn't good...

GOSH

You know the feeling you get, when you have resolved an issue, made a decision, a choice, a conclusion: the feeling of peace at last. I would really like to know why I am not feeling that right now. Maybe because choosing a path is only half the battle. Maybe it's knowing that now that I have made a choice I have to face up to it, live with it, see it through. Or more importantly, maybe it's the fear that every gambler feels because they know that there's a good chance that a risk wont pay off.

I want to say that I am 100% confident in my choice. I AM very happy with it though. I know it was the right step to take. I just hope that I can remember that when it matters. I keep telling myself, if its meant to be it will work out right and if it doesn't, then well, there's always home. I am more afraid now than I have ever been in my life and I hope that will be my motivation.

Now all I need to do is tell the people who matter; I just haven't figured out how...

Check out this iNudge #9t8r

Check out this iNudge #770pu

Side Bar

So a lot has been happening in life peoples but I'm not here to tell you about that....defeating the purpose of the blog I know. However I am here for my little nephew. He is ten years old and he made the awesome beats on my sidebar. From now on I'll be posting any beats he makes for me on here so you guys can enjoy it as much as i do :)

A New Resolution

Happy new year guyzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't know 'bout you but last year was pretty screwed up for me. I feel like I lived a mixed up life in the last quarter of the year as a direct reaction of all the mixed up things that happened to me before hand. So this year I am determined to be, happy no matter what...its only been six days but it hasn't been easy so far.

As has become customary in my family, every so often I discover some tasteless fact that shines some light on a lot of things about my past. They haven't disappointed. Though it isn't something I have discussed or plan to discuss with anyone soon, it is what it is and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Next is the sudden state of limbo I seem to have developed. I have always been indecisive and it seems it's about to have a great effect on my life...wish me luck.

Another thing is the fact that my heart needs to be bullet proof now apparently because people just love to walk all over it! ha-ha I don't even know what it is... I must just attract people who want me to hurt but...what's a girl to do? I don't even blame the guys any more. I quit thinking it's the guys I while back. I think, fundamentally I'm just a messed up person. period.

Finally is that I have decided to try my hardest to (call me crazy) get closer to God this year. If nothing else I need him in my life. He has never let me down before and I doubt he is 'bout to start now :) I hope not now.

So I realise I have been more than a little cryptic and vague in this blog but you're going to have to pardon me for that, because there is so much I want to say, and as much as I would LOVE to say it, I just cant.